MsLisaM (ms_lisa_m)

The “PRETEND” Relationship. Are you in one? So many times I’ve said to others how you will never know whom you’re truly dating for, at least, 6 months. That is when you will get real glimpses of who they are. The core of the human being you’re dating. We hide so much from others. We think that if we aren’t a certain way, or we express what we truly think and feel, we will be judged. It’s our perception of what others will think of us, it’s not reality. We can’t begin to assume we know what others with think of who we authentically are until we expose it. To assume will cause havoc in your mind. You will be filled with fear to expose yourself, be vulnerable, to trust, and to move forward. It creates a facade, or a mask. And EVERYONE does this. The one thing I’d like you take away from this blog is that we judge ourselves for who we TRULY are, it’s not coming from outside, it’s coming from inside, because we haven’t really shown everyone, all the time, who we TRULY are.

How many times have you been involved in a relationship where you suppressed your voice? Or, you did not respond as you truly wanted to? How many moments passed where you didn’t take action due to fear you will lose this person? How often do you allow bad behavior, ignorant actions, or foul words to slip by because speaking up, or taking action may result in the end of a relationship? You need not answer these out loud, but I do urge you to answer them, HONESTLY to yourself. When and if you have ever done these things you are LYING. You are not just lying to the other person about your authenticity, but most importantly, you’re telling a horrible lie to yourself.

I cannot tell you how often I hear the anger in someone’s voice when, after spending months, or even years with someone, they finally see whom the other person really is. They are so incredibly angry that this person was not honest about their character. Or they were duped. The person is actually enraged. Not only are they angry with the other person, but mostly, angry with themselves and the horrible self talk starts, “How could I be so stupid?”, “Why didn’t I see this?”, “I must’ve been blind!”. Well, I’m here to tell you why you didn’t see it….why you were blind. Because, I bet if you review back, in hindsight, you will find you were not being genuine either. When this person stepped on your feelings, you probably said very little, or you didn’t take the TRUE action you wanted to take. Not only was the other person PRETENDING, but so were you!

If you never remember anything else in this blog, try to remember this….”TWO PRETEND PEOPLE CANNOT HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP”. You cannot mourn the end of a pretend relationship, for you were not loving the person they truly were, and they were not privvy to your true self either. You were both fake and fictitious. You created a character that was more palatable to that person’s pretend self and now both of you are simply actors in a dramatic, or comedic, play.

The way to find out if you’re being authentic is to look at your situation. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I happy? Genuinely happy? 2. Am I free? Am I able to express what I feel openly and be completely exposed? 3. Do I fear being who I am, saying what I think, doing what I want because I worry I’ll lose this person if I do? 4. Have I molded and shaped myself, and my interests and my words to keep peace in this relationship? 5. Do I trust this person with my true self? 6. Do I fear they will judge me? 7. Do I make myself smaller so they appear larger so THEY are happier? 8. Have I hid or stopped activities I enjoy or love because they may not approve? 9. Am I seeing character traits in this person that have raised a red flag, but I’ve dismissed them? 10. How badly does this person have to treat me before I leave?